Floating in the Storm

In the past week, there has been a lull in the storm.

My mother has regained a lot of her energy - which no one expected. She is not better, but she is doing well. She is keeping positive and is back to her old self, more or less, but she there is always an air of tiredness that hangs around her.

The support that has flowed to us has been endless, and we couldn't be more grateful. We're soldiering on, just as we did the first time.

But stress is high, and we've snapped at each other multiple times over absolutely nothing, simply because we can't hold it back. It's tense, but, for the moment, it's also steady.

And life is moving ever onward.

While my mother relaxes, my father and I watch over her like gargoyles. We hover without hovering, keep our eyes open as we wait, ready to jump into motion if ever needed. But we all do our best to also find time to be on our own of with our own friends to recharge and unwind.

I think I've had more coffee with people in these last few weeks than I have all year.

Even more - kickball started back up at the perfect time to relieve pent up stress and aggression at the entire situation. Nothing beats whacking the hell out of a ball and running in circles as hard as you can to release tension. Well, and also pegging strangers with said ball with no repercussion. Perhaps I should take up kickboxing, next.

Or a regular blogging schedule.

Either way, the hardships of chemotherapy has yet to fully hit and disarm our defenses. We're doing okay - well, not okay in the normal sense, but good enough. We are steady and strong and hopeful and together.

Soldier on.

-HC

Re-Occurrence and Relapse

For the past few days, I've just been staring at my screen. I've known I want to write, but every time I sit down to, I lose the ability. Because thinking about it and knowing about it is one thing, but once it's in writing, it becomes real.

It's the same reason that it took me so long to tell people - to warn my professors that I may be out every once in a while. Because talking and telling and scheduling and warning, all of that makes it real. Once everyone knows, it can't be dreamt away and forgotten about. It becomes the center of conversation - it's the greeting (I'm so sorry), it's the body (How's your mom? How are you?), and it's the conclusion (We're thinking about you, if you ever need anything...).

It hangs in the air like a dream-catcher, woven so intimately into our lives and decorated in support and fear and stress and sleepless nights.

Even now, as I've finally started typing, I keep moving away from the page. Keep going back to my various social media accounts and distracting myself. I keep looking away and then gravitating back because it has taken over our family.

Last week, my mother's cancer reoccured. This week, she started treatment.

There it is, stuck onto a page and into reality in virtual black and white.

Last week, my mother's health relapsed. This week, I've lost my ability to sleep.

I've been trudging around, a smile on my face and a "thank you, it means a lot" on my lips as I ghost my way through classes and conversations and work and play. I'm not about to break down. Honestly, I'm not afraid. I don't need to cry. I'm not in mourning, I'm in fight mode.

If you've ever had someone close who goes through cancer and treatment - and I know that's probably a small amount of people, at least, the number is small in regard to those who have experienced it by the side of said person with cancer (they are not victims, they are warriors) - then I feel for you, deeply. If you've never experienced, I hope it always stays that way. But let me try and explain to you the experience.

Cancer does not just affect one person. It affects everyone around them, too, especially their family. You're stuck in this cycle of positivity and exhaustion. You just keep looking forward, because looking back is useless and staying in the moment draining. You bond together in love and light and kinship, grow closer and closer to one another. When the days are good, it's amazing. When they're bad, there is nothing worse.

Your life becomes lived in moments - snapshot of things that were once normal cut and pasted between things you instantly cast away into the forgotten part of your mind. So, you float through days, string time together with a thread that is already fraying when you first start to sew.

You always say that everything is okay, even when "okay" is hardly the right word. What you're trying to portray is that everything could be worse, but for the moment, it's stable.

So, I thank everyone in our lives right now who are doing everything they can to keep us up and going. Thank you for those who are already taking my arms and pulling me forward. Thank you for every embrace and meal and surprise coffee/tea. Thank you for watching over us and supporting us and keeping us standing.

-HC

Introductions and Greetings

Hello and welcome, friends!

However you found your way, here, allow me to tell you just a little about myself and this blog.

I am a Telecommunication Major, who has an interest in editing and publishing. When I transferred at the beginning of my junior year, I made the jump from the incredible city of Vancouver, BC - where I studied as a Professional Writing Major - to the majorly stereotyped state of Texas and the amazing Texas A&M University.

No, not everyone here is a cowboy. And not all Aggies are part of a cult, though we are very supportive of one another and protective of everyone in the Aggie family.


I work, now, as a Technical Writer and Blogger for a Computer Science and Engineering Lab. I'm absolutely grateful and happy, there.

I like to be sassy and sarcastic (as anyone who knows me can tell you), but I also like to write about the happenings of life, and that can get serious, sometimes. I do my best to even it all out and start each day with a smile.

I hope you enjoy the ride.

-HC